2006-09-17
Its been a long time since I've been here. I smell the mustiness of disuse, of forgotten memories, thoughts, feelings.
The time, place and man in my life are different, but the feelings, I'm sad to say, are much the same.
The word love comes to my lips with so much ease.
I love him, I say. Do I mean it? In what way do I mean it? In a platonic way, or the way I love a new pair of shoes, or in that eye-twinkling music playing for-the-rest-of-my-life way?
I love so many people for so many reasons that it hard to tell if I love him as a friend, or as the man I want to be my life partner, my other half or as just a former co-worker who I now happen to share my bed with.
Two years later and little has changed. How I wish I could say that I've learned from my mistakes. I'm so hesitant to hurt the man that may not be for me, that I sacrifice my own desires, passions and choices to not hurt him.
It is the fact that I have love for him to begin with that makes this difficult. It would be so much easier if he were mean, or an alcoholic. Then I could justify.
He's not good enough for me, I could say.
He's plenty fine for me though. He's an honest, hardworking sort of fellow.
I should be honest. I love him, love him more than just about anything these days, but I've put myself on the back burner for more years that I really care to admit. I am now at a juncture where I could prove that I've grown as a woman and make that choice that I need to make, or I could step back from the challenge, back down and relinquish control of my life to his happiness. And repeat my cycle.
In a short time, I think I can predict that I will be single again. And the way I feel, it wouldn't be the worst thing that happened to me.
We are so different sometimes. Boils down to this: I am willing to do and go where I find the best opportunities; he in his aged comfort is not willing or excited or able to move anywhere but around here.
That makes me feel so cramped, so trapped. I need to feel the freedom of making my own decisions for me from now on. I need to know that I can go where I need to go to get things done and I need to know that he will be there with me if I need and want him there.
I don't think that will happen though.
Letting go has already begun.