2006-09-18
I'm getting by, with lots of self doubt and tears and general unhappiness.
I want to stop myself from feeling this way though. I don't have a lot of reasons to be as unhappy with my life as I am.
I have a job that pays decently well. I hate it with a growing passion, but atleast I can pay the bills.
I have a good boyfriend. With a bad job. And no desire to leave mama's apron.
I'm bitter about that so much. I hate that he's such a pussy sometimes. Grow some balls man. Your mama isn't going to be around forever, and I won't be so brash to say that you won't find anyone as good as me, but when you do, will they be any more tolerant of this than I am?
I want to grow and go and see things and I feel like you're holding me back. I hate saying that because I know the only one holding me back is me-if I feel it is you that holds me back then I must realize that it is me, all by my lonesome, that gives you that power.
I so much like to be with you though. We have fun.
We watch TV. Yay. Why am i never able to describe my relationships in a way that makes it seem like I'm making the right decisions?
(I would guess its because I know I'm not.)
I know I should tell him 'hey its been nice, but adios amigo.'
Its hard to say that to someone you have "loved" for the last year.
Would I feel this way if we had money and I didn't need to worry about going away rightnow! to get an education that will get us ahead?
Probably not.
I am unhappy. That fact is undisputable. Thinking about the root of my unhappiness is also pretty clear. Where it blurs though, is when I start to think about how happy I would be if this aspect or that were fixed. If the little things, like one or two, were fixed, would I be happier with where I am right now?
If we could pay all of the bills, on time, would I love him more?
If my boss didn't suck the big dick of asshole-ness, would I like my job more?
If I could find a decent job 'round these part would I want to run away to the Navy?
Is it really running away? I know I have a tendency to just want to leave things when they bother me this much. Am I running still?
I do want what they offer-good job (which I'll have anyway after I graduate, again), the ability to travel (not with Mr. Mama's Boy), solid training, the ability to have pride in what I'm doing, a guaranteed future, a retirement to look forward to.
I seriously think I need a shrink. I so need someone to talk to to help me sort out everything I'm feeling. I'm just not really sure where to go.
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