2006-09-19
I don't really have many friends to speak of. I know a lot of people and generally people like me pretty well.
I tend to push people away. This is only a recent thing though. I don't remember behaving this way in high school with Jacki, Jenn and Liz. Not that high school is everything, but damn, I miss these fine ladies. We were a pretty damn good crew and I definitely wish that I had done more to keep us all in touch and together as friends.
I remember the last day of my senior year. Ms. Spanish Teacher Lady told me I would be lucky to be in touch with one of my friends five years after graduating. I remember scoffing at her then, swearing that Jacki, Jenn, Liz and I would always be friends....that we wouldn't let time or distance come between us.
I last spoke to Liz on graduation day, late June of 2000.
Jacki and I went to college together for the first two years, so we were pretty close then. I went to SBU, she came down, went partying with me and haven't really talked to her since. I did see her at the RenFair last year though.
Jenn. Jenn and I went to college 20 miles from eachother. I hate to say it, but we didn't see eachother much even then. She had her friends, discussing the finer points of Nietze (pronounced nee-chee, apparently) and I, happy with my bumpkin-ness, didn't fit. She and I chat online occassionally, but haven't personally seen eachother since her graduation from college two years ago.
I digress. Though I should have done that about a page ago...
Point is- I'm tired of opening myself up to people only to be hurt. I don't know who I can trust.
I end up holding a lot of things in because I don't know who to share my deepest secrets with.
My feelings about going into the Navy, and telling Will about it would have gone so much smoother if I had one person, just one, to talk to about these things. Someone I could go to and cry on their shoulder and just hear that things will be ok.
Will does that for me a lot, but I don't think its right for my to cry on his shoulder when I'm possibly contemplating breaking up with him so I can pursue my own path singlemindedly.
What this does do for me though is allow me to think about things repeatedly. I get to think, and rethink everything that is bothering me. Sometimes the repitition helps and sometimes it only confuses me.
I think I have come to a solid decision about where I am in my life now.
I am going to focus myself on going back to school full time, at a four year college, to earn my bachelors in nursing.
For right now, I'm going to put my thoughts of the Navy on hold. I've decided that Will is very important to me. I need him to support me fully in any decision I make. As much as I am asking him to compromise, I must also do the same.
After I have completed my degree, the two of us will revisit my wishes, if they are still as strong as they are currently. I am also considering the reserves as an alternative.
In the meantime, I need to concentrate on ME.
I definitely need to find a new job that does not cause me as much personal distress as it does.
I need to continue my fitness routine, day in and day out. I need the stability and the activity to keep both my mind and my body healthy.
I need to express to Will everything that I am thinking and assure him that I am not, in fact, bipolar. (joke)
I also need to do something about my spiritual and/or mental side. I know that there is something missing from my life, and as much as I feel that adding one more thing will break me, I think that adding the right thing will only add to the balance in my life.
I have already started reconnecting with old friends. Its a two way street-I can't expect them to do all the work.
Please give me the strength to continue on, to make it through all the difficulties I will face and help me learn that anything that brings me down now will only help me be stronger in the future.
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