2006-09-23
I've been working on being more positive about things. I haven't looked at the ERAC hate site in a couple of weeks, and I don't plan on looking ever again.
I find myself blurting out little nuggets of positive thoughts during the day. Can I remember them now? Not a chance, but I do remember that they made me feel better at that time.
Will and I went out last night to the bar and to play some darts, not that I'm all that good at it.
Went home and talked. Openly. About everything. Some of it was awkward, but I think that we're both better off knowing what we know now, vs being in the dark like we were. I think that we are well on our way to having the relationship we need to have. We haven't been as strong over the past couple of months, and I know a lot of that has to do with me, but I can't hide how I feel when I feel that strongly, so if making us a little uncomfortable now will ultimately give us the best we can offer eachother, then I'm glad to be the one that isn't happy right now. When I marry him, I want it to be for life, not for a year or a decade, but forever. I want to know that we're completely honest about things with eachother. We need it.
I was thinking a couple of days ago that I would want him to find this diary and read it. I know I don't have much written, but what I do have it all of the stuff that I wasn't able to say to him. At this point, I've said most of it, so I guess the point is moot.
Still, I know that I am not the best verbal communicator, so to have him read here what I'm thinking allows me to get my message across without having to backtrack and reword and worst of all-cry.
This crying though, its just out of hand. I know a lot of what I'm going through is emotionally charged and I can't expect to not behave emotionally, but seriously, I do NOT need to cry because his job won't let him have an hour to have lunch with me during the day. WTF?
I keep meaning to call Dr Hui and make an appointment, but deep down I know he isn't going to do anything for me. I really need to have a doctor over here anyway; an hour drive when I'm on my deathbed isn't really something I want. But then my questions-what doctor? Just any ole fella? A specialist? If so, what kind? Who specializes in overweight, overemotional wrecks who cry at commercials for NASCAR and Enterprise?
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